Over on the Dilbert Blog, Scott Adams gave his readers an assignment: “describe your own job in one sentence, preferably in a humorously derogatory way.” Here are the best replies from among the hundreds, with the top 10 at the end.

Dilbert blog

My Job Is To…

  1. Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student
  2. Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant
  3. Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn’t say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer
  4. Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I’m smarter than they are while complaining how it’s a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major
  5. Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager
  6. Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant
  7. Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher
  8. Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage
  9. Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don’t need: Corporate Software Engineer
  10. Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
  11. Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant
  12. Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director
  13. Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer
  14. Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
  15. Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst
  16. Tell forty year-old men it’s okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator
  17. Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant
  18. Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester
  19. Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot
  20. Persuade kids that it’s really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor
  21. Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
  22. Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator
  23. Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard
  24. Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot
  25. Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician
  26. Go to strange people’s houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy
  27. Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant
  28. Tell people that they can’t spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst
  29. Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician
  30. Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter
  31. Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer
  32. Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector
  33. Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector
  34. Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security
  35. Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist
  36. Try not to kill the baby: Housewife
  37. Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer
  38. Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three
  39. Run away and call the police: Security Guard
  40. Copy and paste the Internet: Student

The Top 10

  1. Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer (Scott Adams’ favorite)
  2. Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire
  3. Talk in other people’s sleep: College Professor
  4. Call people who know what they’re doing and ask them what they’re doing: Incident Manager
  5. Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber
  6. Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester
  7. Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director
  8. Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer
  9. Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer
  10. Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food Employee

If you liked this, you’ll love the Funniest Strangest Job Titles Ever.

Could you live up to Scott’s challenge? Try to describe your current job or one of your past career choices in the comments.

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--Jacob Share