50 Funniest Clever Short Job Descriptions Ever

Over on the Dilbert Blog, Scott Adams gave his readers an assignment: “describe your own job in one sentence, preferably in a humorously derogatory way.” Here are the best replies from among the hundreds, with the top 10 at the end.

50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever

Photo Credit:  Nicolas Nova

Dilbert blog

My Job Is To…

  1. Read things that don't matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don't matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student
  2. Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant
  3. Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn't say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer
  4. Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I'm smarter than they are while complaining how it's a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major
  5. Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager
  6. Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant
  7. Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher
  8. Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage
  9. Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don't need: Corporate Software Engineer
  10. Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
  11. Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant
  12. Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director
  13. Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer
  14. Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
  15. Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst
  16. Tell forty year-old men it's okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator
  17. Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant
  18. Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester
  19. Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot
  20. Persuade kids that it's really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor
  21. Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
  22. Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator
  23. Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard
  24. Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot
  25. Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician
  26. Go to strange people's houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy
  27. Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant
  28. Tell people that they can't spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst
  29. Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician
  30. Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter
  31. Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer
  32. Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector
  33. Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector
  34. Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security
  35. Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist
  36. Try not to kill the baby: Housewife
  37. Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer
  38. Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three
  39. Run away and call the police: Security Guard
  40. Copy and paste the Internet: Student

The Top 10

  1. Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer (Scott Adams' favorite)
  2. Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire
  3. Talk in other people's sleep: College Professor
  4. Call people who know what they're doing and ask them what they're doing: Incident Manager
  5. Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber
  6. Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester
  7. Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director
  8. Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer
  9. Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer
  10. Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food Employee

If you liked this, you'll love the Funniest Strangest Job Titles Ever.

Could you live up to Scott's challenge? Try to describe your current job or one of your past career choices in the comments.

Made you laugh? Subscribe to JobMob via RSS or email and follow me on Twitter for more laughs at your career's expense.

About the Author Jacob Share

Job Search Expert, Professional Blogger, Creative Thinker, Community Builder with a sense of humor. I like to help people.

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93 comments
Jacob Share
Breaking Rumors, News, Truemors says

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Jacob Share
Utah Tech Jobs : Funniest One-Line Job Descriptions says

[…] one sentence, preferably in a humorously derogatory way“. There’s 50 of them listed at jobmob, and here’s the top […]

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Jacob Share
JR Fent says

Introverted job hunting geeks best friend: IT Recruiter

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Jacob Share
old-fashion guy! says

Introverted job hunting geeks best friend: IT Recruiter

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Jacob Share
Greg March says

Have sex with your wife: Tennis Instructor

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Jacob Share
The Funniest Short Job Descriptions by Scott Adams' readers says

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JR Fent says

Nerd Herder & Geek Wrangler: IT Project Manager

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77 Great Lists You Absolutely Need to Check Out says

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Jacob Share
Fred says

There are some really funny ones, if you are that way inclined. I think I would put mine down as:
Finding ways to convince people that banking with us is better than everywhere else!

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Jez says

Murder, mystery and suspense: Technical Writer

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Prashanth says

This is very refreshing. Absolutely funny. Something to read to laugh when evryone around you are so engrossed in work – no body notices i typed this – thats my job.

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Jacob Share
Most Enjoyed Posts of August 2007 says

[…] 1243 Views – 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever […]

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Jacob Share
rand20019 says

Clean up other people’s shit – janitor

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Joe says

Getting yelled at for things you can’t do anything about OR Customer Therapist—
Customer Service Agent

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Jacob Share
Justen says

Fix things that people break because they didn’t read the instructions or use common sense: Maintenance Technician

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Clare Ravenwood says

Job Description.

Behavior Modification Therapist: Corrections Officer.

Clare

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william roach says

repair electronics in an explosive environment while people around me consistently ignore safety concerns. Gas Pump Technician.

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Jacob Share
Most Read Posts of September 2007 says

[…] 18620 Reads – 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever […]

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Jacob Share
jacob says

JR: Keep ’em coming.

old-fashion guy!: sure!

Greg: Ouch.

Fred: But what’s the job title?

Jez: Funny – I should add yours to the list.

Prashanth: Glad you enjoyed the list.

rand20019: thanks.

Joe: Customer Therapist – funny.

Justen: thanks.

Clare: “Behavior Modification Therapist” is funnier, in a scary way.

William: Good one.

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Jacob Share
make money online says

very funny! i dugg and stumbled it! 🙂

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Jacob Share
rocketman of waialua says

make expensive things blow up in the most complicated way possable: rocket scientist

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Jacob Share
RJ says

I run animal flesh and cow milk by product repeated over sharp metal so people can put them in their sandwiches. I am a deli worker.

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Jacob Share
anja merret - chatting to my generation » Soup to Nuts - Progressive Dinner Blog Carnival says

[…] Share shares with us the 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever. Have a laugh, they are great fun. And the blog is at […]

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Jacob Share
Kuanyin says

Aloha….surfed here through the links at the Blog Dinner Party Carnival–I’m one of the entres. :-)I will digg this! Very funny stuff!

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Jacob Share
Malkie Malk says

Telling everyone I met how much I sucked – Door to Door Vacuum Salesman

Catering to the Culinary Curiosities of Convicts – Prison Cook

Telling other people what to watch – DVD Retail Clerk

WB Whore – Popular (at the time) TV show Extra

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Jacob Share
Christophe says

Be assigned to a project that I will be pulled off of a month later to assist in a previous project I was pulled off to begin the current project, because the previous project’s scope has grown to horrendous proportions.

–Application Developer

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Jacob Share
Thomas says

okay so at my last job i spent close to 6 hours a day chopping the heads off things… i was working for a lawn care group, sometimes the bugs just like to get cut in half…

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Jacob Share
Catherine says

Carefully explaining things to some one who already knows it better then you -IT Student

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Jacob Share
Frank says

Sending no-call no-shows to warehouse jobs: Staffing Agency Coordinator.

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Jacob Share
social worker says

I help solve people’s problems by making their life more complex.

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Jacob Share
J Smith says

Keep my mouth shut about things nobody wants to know anyway – Army Intel Analyst

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Jacob Share
HR Director says

My job is comparable to a playground monitor, I break up fights, make other play togehter, sent those who don’t listen to stand at the wall, to the office or even home (for good sometimes).

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Jacob Share
JobMob’s Top 10 Posts of 2007 | JobMob says

[…] 1) 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever […]

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Melissa says

Try to help people understand things that they didn’t understand when someone with more experience and knowledge explained it to them: tutor.

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Jacob Share
Lu says

Convince people that the animal they are buying for insane amounts of money will not bite them, kick them, kill them or harm them in any way, when most likely, they will. Assistant Horse Dealer/Trainer.

Keep my teachers beleiving that next week, they really, really will see my assignment handed in. Student.

Making small horses look big. Aprentice Jockey.

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Jacob Share
Dick Kraske says

Auditor; Person who comes in after the battle has been fought and bayonets the wounded.

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Jacob Share
Daily Waffle - Careers and Office edition « The World Of M says

[…] “Call centre manager” is boring and not attention catching, “chatty zombie pack leader” is. More classic job descriptions. […]

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Jacob Share
Cele mai scurte descrieri pentru job-uri says

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Jacob Share
Chris says

let people root me all day while I make funny faces and say ooh: pornstar

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Jacob Share
Melly says

Filling the blank spaces between the adds: journalist.

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Jacob Share
CREATIVE JOB DESCRIPTIONS. | DITZ-REVOLUTION.NET | Filipina blogger and web designer says

[…] been a day and unsurprisingly, I’ve got nothing. Mainly because I got distracted by this list of funny job descriptions. A few favorites: -Read things that don’t matter, then write […]

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Jacob Share
Funny Job Descriptions | The life of a 20-year-old shopaholic, bookworm and designer. | twentyfourcarat.net says

[…] LOL’ed at this list of 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever. Here are my […]

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Ravi says

Really enjoyed em all, thanks

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Jacob Share
150 Funniest Resume Mistakes, Bloopers and Blunders Ever | JobMob says

[…] If you laughed, you’ll love the 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever. […]

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Can You Describe Yourself in One Word? | JobMob says

[…] If you enjoyed this, you’ll love 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever. […]

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Shelbi says

1)Fix things that people break because they didn’t read the instructions or use common sense: Maintenance Technician

2)My job is comparable to a playground monitor, I break up fights, make other play togehter, sent those who don’t listen to stand at the wall, to the office or even home (for good sometimes)

3)Auditor; Person who comes in after the battle has been fought and bayonets the wounded.

I come to school everyday, Just to watch the teachers walk back and forth at the front of the class.

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Jacob Share
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JM says

This website is one of the funniest I’ve seen in a while. Good job, thanks!

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Jacob Share
Clay Simmons says

Tell others how many cows there are by counting the number of hoofs and dividing by four. -Any engineer subject to 21st century codes

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Jacob Share
Friday Fun Challenge: Write Your Job Description in One Sentence — Inkthinker says

[…] one sentence or less — preferably a funny one. (This isn’t my idea; I stole it from the 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever.) Here are some examples to get your juices […]

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Jacob Share
Sydney says

Sit on the grass all day and watch people walk past me. – Maintenance Worker

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Jacob Share
Audrey says

Sleep with my eyes open, so people think I’m paying attention—Student.

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Jacob Share
karlmageddon (Karl Puzon) says

1, 36, 39, and 40 are HILARIOUS! -> 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever http://tinyurl.com/2yxd5h

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agirlcalledm (emily joy) says

~ RT @karlmageddon: 1, 36, 39, and 40 are HILARIOUS! -> 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever … http://tinyurl.com/2yxd5h

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Jacob Share
Rehaul by Lance Haun » Top 10 Short Job Descriptions says

[…] that I found one of the funnier pieces of content from his readers. JobMob has compiled a list of 50 top short job descriptions and I’ll reprint the top […]

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Jacob Share
Mark Spicer says

I herd cats…

Limousine Dispatcher

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Jacob Share
Comedy At Work, My Job Is To... | Coachpack Blog says

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coozko says

sleep while pretending to listen : student XD

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Jacob Share
Blogging From All 50 States | UltraRob's Adventures says

[…] Dilbert is the best for describing the jobs I’ve had. Dilbert creator Scott Adams asked readers for humorous, derogatory descriptions of the their jobs. […]

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Susan says

Work in High Speed Metal Tube, collecting trash = Flight Attendent

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Lara says

My job is 100% oral with a lot of sucking. : Dental Assistant

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Jacob Share
Michelle says

“Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer” LOL! Oh, the agony of how true it is (and when you’re in college, it’s “Learn the most boring way to write”).

How about this one:

Regularly break standards you helped create: Web Designer

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Jacob Share
Nabil Mourad says

I liked most of your strange CVs but I did not find among the categories any Power Point CV. Here is a link to a very attractive CV Show;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqlHkzvqisI

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Jacob Share
Living In My Own World » Blog Archive » Top 50 Things They Don’t Tell You in the Job Description says

[…] (Adapted from the original list found on jobmob.co.il) […]

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Kenn says

Convince people to leave money they have with me with the promise of making more money for them while my bosses hope they spend money they don’t have so that we can make more money off of them (Banker)

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Jacob Share
Steve says

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes” – Recruiter

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Juan Toothree says

Spray poison all over people’s food before they eat it. Crop duster pilot.

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Jacob Share
50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever | VeronicaLudwig.com says

[…] 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever […]

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Did daddy make Internet Explorer? – or a web designer’s job description | EosGrafx says

[…] for other definitions of a web designer’s job, I found the 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever at jobmob. The web designer one is (did not make it to the top […]

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Dick Lyndes says

Know a little bit about a lot of things and not enough about anything. Civil Engineer

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Lily Ellis says

Write terrible books for emotionally imbalanced teenaged girls about the importance of dating a creepy old dude: paranormal romance writer

(this isn’t my job)

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venkat says

reading relevant subject and writing irrelevant subjects – engineering student

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Jacob Share
Did daddy make Internet Explorer? or a web designer’s job description says

[…] for other definitions of a web designer’s job, I found the 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever at jobmob. The web designer one is (did not make it to the top […]

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