Because people describing their own jobs is a lot funnier than having HR do it.

50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever
Photo by Nicolas Nova

Over on the Dilbert Blog, Scott Adams gave his readers an assignment: “describe your own job in one sentence, preferably in a humorously derogatory way.” Here are the best replies from among the hundreds, with the top 10 at the end.

Dilbert blog

My Job Is To…

  1. Read things that don't matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don't matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student
  2. Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant
  3. Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn't say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer
  4. Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I'm smarter than they are while complaining how it's a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major
  5. Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager
  6. Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant
  7. Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher
  8. Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage
  9. Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don't need: Corporate Software Engineer
  10. Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
  11. Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant
  12. Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director
  13. Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer
  14. Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
  15. Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst
  16. Tell forty year-old men it's okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator
  17. Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant
  18. Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester
  19. Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot
  20. Persuade kids that it's really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor
  21. Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
  22. Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator
  23. Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard
  24. Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot
  25. Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician
  26. Go to strange people's houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy
  27. Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant
  28. Tell people that they can't spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst
  29. Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician
  30. Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter
  31. Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer
  32. Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector
  33. Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector
  34. Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security
  35. Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist
  36. Try not to kill the baby: Housewife
  37. Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer
  38. Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three
  39. Run away and call the police: Security Guard
  40. Copy and paste the Internet: Student

The Top 10

  1. Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer (Scott Adams' favorite)
  2. Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire
  3. Talk in other people's sleep: College Professor
  4. Call people who know what they're doing and ask them what they're doing: Incident Manager
  5. Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber
  6. Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester
  7. Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director
  8. Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer
  9. Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer
  10. Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food Employee

If you liked this, you'll love the Funniest Strangest Job Titles Ever.

Could you live up to Scott's challenge? Try to describe your current job or one of your past career choices in the comments.

Made you laugh? Subscribe to JobMob via RSS or email and follow me on Twitter for more laughs at your career's expense.

Jacob Share

Job Search Expert, Professional Blogger, Creative Thinker, Community Builder with a sense of humor. I like to help people.

This Post Has 99 Comments

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  3. JR Fent

    Introverted job hunting geeks best friend: IT Recruiter

  4. old-fashion guy!

    Introverted job hunting geeks best friend: IT Recruiter

  5. Greg March

    Have sex with your wife: Tennis Instructor

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  7. JR Fent

    Nerd Herder & Geek Wrangler: IT Project Manager

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  9. Fred

    There are some really funny ones, if you are that way inclined. I think I would put mine down as:
    Finding ways to convince people that banking with us is better than everywhere else!

  10. Jez

    Murder, mystery and suspense: Technical Writer

  11. Prashanth

    This is very refreshing. Absolutely funny. Something to read to laugh when evryone around you are so engrossed in work – no body notices i typed this – thats my job.

  12. rand20019

    Clean up other people’s shit – janitor

  13. Joe

    Getting yelled at for things you can’t do anything about OR Customer Therapist—
    Customer Service Agent

  14. Justen

    Fix things that people break because they didn’t read the instructions or use common sense: Maintenance Technician

  15. Clare Ravenwood

    Job Description.

    Behavior Modification Therapist: Corrections Officer.


  16. william roach

    repair electronics in an explosive environment while people around me consistently ignore safety concerns. Gas Pump Technician.

  17. Jacob Share

    JR: Keep ’em coming.

    old-fashion guy!: sure!

    Greg: Ouch.

    Fred: But what’s the job title?

    Jez: Funny – I should add yours to the list.

    Prashanth: Glad you enjoyed the list.

    rand20019: thanks.

    Joe: Customer Therapist – funny.

    Justen: thanks.

    Clare: “Behavior Modification Therapist” is funnier, in a scary way.

    William: Good one.

  18. rocketman of waialua

    make expensive things blow up in the most complicated way possable: rocket scientist

  19. RJ

    I run animal flesh and cow milk by product repeated over sharp metal so people can put them in their sandwiches. I am a deli worker.

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  21. Kuanyin

    Aloha….surfed here through the links at the Blog Dinner Party Carnival–I’m one of the entres. :-)I will digg this! Very funny stuff!

  22. Malkie Malk

    Telling everyone I met how much I sucked – Door to Door Vacuum Salesman

    Catering to the Culinary Curiosities of Convicts – Prison Cook

    Telling other people what to watch – DVD Retail Clerk

    WB Whore – Popular (at the time) TV show Extra

  23. Christophe

    Be assigned to a project that I will be pulled off of a month later to assist in a previous project I was pulled off to begin the current project, because the previous project’s scope has grown to horrendous proportions.

    –Application Developer

  24. Thomas

    okay so at my last job i spent close to 6 hours a day chopping the heads off things… i was working for a lawn care group, sometimes the bugs just like to get cut in half…

  25. Catherine

    Carefully explaining things to some one who already knows it better then you -IT Student

  26. Frank

    Sending no-call no-shows to warehouse jobs: Staffing Agency Coordinator.

  27. social worker

    I help solve people’s problems by making their life more complex.

  28. J Smith

    Keep my mouth shut about things nobody wants to know anyway – Army Intel Analyst

  29. HR Director

    My job is comparable to a playground monitor, I break up fights, make other play togehter, sent those who don’t listen to stand at the wall, to the office or even home (for good sometimes).

  30. Melissa

    Try to help people understand things that they didn’t understand when someone with more experience and knowledge explained it to them: tutor.

  31. Lu

    Convince people that the animal they are buying for insane amounts of money will not bite them, kick them, kill them or harm them in any way, when most likely, they will. Assistant Horse Dealer/Trainer.

    Keep my teachers beleiving that next week, they really, really will see my assignment handed in. Student.

    Making small horses look big. Aprentice Jockey.

  32. Dick Kraske

    Auditor; Person who comes in after the battle has been fought and bayonets the wounded.

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  34. Chris

    let people root me all day while I make funny faces and say ooh: pornstar

  35. Melly

    Filling the blank spaces between the adds: journalist.

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  38. Ravi

    Really enjoyed em all, thanks

  39. Shelbi

    1)Fix things that people break because they didn’t read the instructions or use common sense: Maintenance Technician

    2)My job is comparable to a playground monitor, I break up fights, make other play togehter, sent those who don’t listen to stand at the wall, to the office or even home (for good sometimes)

    3)Auditor; Person who comes in after the battle has been fought and bayonets the wounded.

    I come to school everyday, Just to watch the teachers walk back and forth at the front of the class.

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  41. JM

    This website is one of the funniest I’ve seen in a while. Good job, thanks!

  42. Clay Simmons

    Tell others how many cows there are by counting the number of hoofs and dividing by four. -Any engineer subject to 21st century codes

  43. Sydney

    Sit on the grass all day and watch people walk past me. – Maintenance Worker

  44. Audrey

    Sleep with my eyes open, so people think I’m paying attention—Student.

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  46. Mark Spicer

    I herd cats…

    Limousine Dispatcher

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  48. coozko

    sleep while pretending to listen : student XD

  49. Susan

    Work in High Speed Metal Tube, collecting trash = Flight Attendent

  50. Lara

    My job is 100% oral with a lot of sucking. : Dental Assistant

  51. Michelle

    “Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer” LOL! Oh, the agony of how true it is (and when you’re in college, it’s “Learn the most boring way to write”).

    How about this one:

    Regularly break standards you helped create: Web Designer

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  53. Kenn

    Convince people to leave money they have with me with the promise of making more money for them while my bosses hope they spend money they don’t have so that we can make more money off of them (Banker)

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  57. Steve

    “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes” – Recruiter

  58. Juan Toothree

    Spray poison all over people’s food before they eat it. Crop duster pilot.

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  61. Dick Lyndes

    Know a little bit about a lot of things and not enough about anything. Civil Engineer

  62. Lily Ellis

    Write terrible books for emotionally imbalanced teenaged girls about the importance of dating a creepy old dude: paranormal romance writer

    (this isn’t my job)

  63. venkat

    reading relevant subject and writing irrelevant subjects – engineering student

  64. Sultan Mohammed Giasuddin

    My Job to inspire and encourage to low esteemed and frustrated people to beat their life with full swing stamina.

  65. Marcia

    Looking for the turquoise, sparkling unicorn hidden in the mountains right under the crystal waterfalls where the fairies dance Tchaikovsky (in F minor btw): Corporate Head Hunter

    1. Jacob Share

      Are you sure it wasn’t in F major? 😂😂😂

      Nicely done

  66. Clearlybrunette

    This is funny

  67. Yoav Kaufman

    My favorite: Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant

    1. Jacob Share

      Reminds me of a story from when I was little, my dad told me that he didn’t want to be an accountant because he didn’t want to have to put numbers in boxes all day long. For years, I pictured him slipping pieces of paper with numbers into actual boxes, similar to ballot boxes. Gave him a good laugh when he realized that.

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